We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize