hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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