I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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