He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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