she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
