Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
