What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
