he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
