I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
