Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize