i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
