Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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