I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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