im six kinds of drunk right now
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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