Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
