he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
