Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
