I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize