last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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