I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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