it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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