Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
