please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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