btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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