remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
