I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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