If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
