we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
