the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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