i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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