Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
