Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
