i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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