god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize