I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
