margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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