Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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