That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
