i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
