I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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