Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
