I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize