apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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