Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
