then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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