He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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