she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
