Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize