She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
