The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
