Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize