I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
pray to the hookup gods
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
