Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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