Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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