I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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