I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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