you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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