I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
