I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I pour the whiskey from now on
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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