why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
